It's a SIN
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: My SI bit it in Marvel and wakes up in a while new world, but can he survive in an anime universe as the main character?
1. Chapter 1

**Self Insert Naruto: It's a S.I.N.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any comic or anime franchise. **

I looked around and found myself someplace different than where I'd gone to bed.  
A small apartment, sparsely decorated, desperately in need of a cleaning. Definitely Asian and I was... a midget?

Scrambling to a mirror I stare at my reflection dumbstruck. I'm a kid, couldn't be more than nine or ten and despite being Asian I have blond hair and blue eyes and ... whiskers?! God dammit, I'm Naruto Uzumaki. That thought hits me like a freight train, and then I'm reminded, of what being hit by a freight train _really_ feels like, as a load of memories follow.

Climbing back to my feet I stumble towards the bathroom. Maybe things will look better after a nice, long, hot shower and some breakfast. A hot shower does make me feel a bit better, but a quick search of the cupboards show them to be more bare than old mother Hubbard's. Unless you like Ramen of course, and while I may like Ramen I need something more substantial for breakfast.

I get dressed and load up with the usual assortment of weapons before I realize that it's Naruto's reflexes guiding my hands and not my own. That's good and bad. Good because I don't have to ingrain a new batch of reflexes to survive all the battles Naruto is due for, but bad because some of his ingrained habits are stupid as all hell.

Taking one last look at myself in the mirror I sigh heavily. I'm wearing a set of clothing so orange that it can probably sear the retinas of the unwary. This kid's reflexes are going to get me killed, because I don't have his tenacity, luck, or good nature. Well I don't think I do anyway and that's a can of worms I don't feel like opening anyway.

"Thank god for henge," I mutter and darken the orange jumpsuit a few dozen shades, while adding black stripes to it. I nod to myself in the mirror, pleased with what I see. Rather than looking like Naruto Uzumaki, Jailer of the Kyuubi, I look like a slightly less recognizable Naruto Uzumaki... Jailer of a tiger. Oh well at least I won't stand out as much now.

Hopping down the stairs, apparently I'm physically unable to simply walk anywhere at the moment, I gain a tiger striped cat that purrs loudly in my ear. If I'm not mistaken it's Tora, the cat belonging to the wife of the Fire Daimyo. I guess he approves of the new look. At any rate the purring is very soothing and scratching him under the chin is kind of relaxing. A lot of the nervous energy I was feeling seems to leak out leaving me feeling rather mellow. I hadn't realized how close I was to panicking.

"I'm thinking fish for breakfast," I say and Tora purrs a little louder in response.

When Tora stops purring and his claws prick my skin I instinctively step back into the shadow of an alley and think quiet thoughts, trying to find that quiet center that tigers use to remain motionless and undetected for hours.

I haven't quite reached it, if you define haven't quite as no where close, when I hear a voice talking about youth and flames and making promises of outrages things if he can't find the cat. 'Oh joy, Gai's team has been sent after Tora.' This complicates things. Jonin are difficult but not impossible to shake unless they specialize in tracking, but Gai has Neji on his team and the Byakugan is damn hard to hide from.

'Well if you can't hid then make them seek an alternate target,' I thought to myself using shadow clone jutsu and barely stopping myself from yelling out the jutsu's name. Damn reflexes!

I only make a single clone and strangely enough it has a copy of Tora on its shoulder. I'm really going to have to work on my chakra control.

Tora actually looks interested in his own duplicate and the two flicker through feline body language too quick for me or my clone to read any but the last bit, which seems to be quite a bit of feline amusement.

My clone sets Tora-clone down and henges into a cat. He isn't an exact duplicate, since we haven't had time to study Tora, but he's close.

His first attempt at walking has him falling on his face and I'm pretty sure that even people who have never owned cats could tell Tora was laughing. Clone-Tora walks past my clone a few times so he can see how to move on all fours. The two quickly run off drawing a newly arrived team Gai with them.

Continuing on our way, after waiting to make sure Neji and his eyes were out of casual detection range, we head for the fish market. "I'll take five pounds of Tuna,"I say surprising the fishmonger who had somehow managed to overlook me.

As his eyes settle on me he notices I have a furry companion on my shoulder, well more sprawled boneless around my neck really, and begins to tense up, until he realizes it's a cat and in his confusion treats me like a normal customer, even providing some free salmon for Tora.

We slip into class mostly unnoticed, I say mostly because Akamaru perks up and notices us, probably because of the fish. I almost head down for the front of the class, like Naruto usually does, but I know how that scene usually goes and have no real desire to argue with Sakura, much less kiss Sasuke.

Sure events have probably changed enough to avoid that, as I'm not likely to jump up on the desk in front of him, but why take chances?

I break out the fish and we take our time eating when I feel a tug on my pants leg. Looking down I see Akamaru using puppy-dog-eyes-no-jutsu on me. I glance over at Tora, but he simply puts a paw on his salmon and flicks an ear, meaning if I wanted to share my fish with him it was fine with him, but the salmon was taken.

I gave a lazy blink of acknowledgement and lift Akamaru up so he can eat with us.

A moment later I am interrupted again, this time by Kiba who has a hopeful grin and a growling stomach. I let out a silent chuckle which makes a chuffing noise that Tora mimics as I offer a large chunk of tuna to Kiba. Fortunately I had plenty of tuna to share. Either the fishmonger had given me too much or five pounds was a lot more than I thought it was at my current size.

"That was good, thanks," Kiba says quieter than usual, as all four of us relax and digest.

"So how'd you manage to pass?" he asks casually, clearly curious about my new look and Tora, but not wanting to come out and ask.

"The hokage classified it, so all i can tell you is that I know a different form of clone jutsu than the one they teach in class."

"Man-beast clone?" Kiba asked, mentioning his clan's signature cloning jutsu.

I tilted my head to one side considering the jutsu. I vaguely recall the hand signs from seeing Kiba use it in the anime, but I don't know if it has any other preparations or special training required. "Shadow clone jutsu. Man-beast clone is cool, but although I know the hand-signs I've never tried it. My chakra control sucks, but I got a lot of it so shadow clone is the one I'll stick with."

"Damn," Kiba sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"I need help with my man-beast clone jutsu. I know I need more control, but I also gotta expand my reserves if I'm ever going to master it."

"I can help you there," I said with a grin seeing my chance to get a decent training partner. "With my sucky control I had to find a couple of control exercises and I managed to get two that are pretty kick ass. Not only do they help with control they also build up your reserves and can be used in combat."

"You'll help me?" Kiba asked surprised.

"Sure. I need a training partner since I'm going to be stuck with Pinky and Mr. Avenger. Sakura sucks in hand-to-hand and Sasuke considers it a waste of time to train with anyone who isn't above him in rank."

"Damn that sucks, but I thought you liked Sakura."

"People change, but she was perfect for when I felt like being loud and obnoxious and drawing all eyes to me."

"Heh, kinda like performance art."

"All art is bang," I said solemnly making Kiba snicker.

"Kiba's eyes suddenly got wide. "You know who the teams are!" he whispered sharply.

I grinned, figuring it was better to look like the cat who ate the canary than the idiot who got caught. "You get Shino and Hinata with Kurenai as your Jonin team leader."

"Hinata?" he perked up a bit.

I shook my head. "Low self esteem but a nice girl, unfortunately she'll be forced to marry within the clan like all of the Hyuga to preserve the bloodline."

Kiba slouched. "That bites!"

I nodded. "Yeah, but you couldn't ask for a better teammate once you get her over her confidence problem."

"Yeah," he agreed, beginning to smile. "What about Shino?"

"Solid teammate, but generally quiet. Smarter than both of us, but not as good at modifying plans on the fly. Probably going to be your team's Genin leader since he's got the best overall skills of the three of you."

"Really?" Kiba asked, a bit let down.

"If you want to lead, first you have to know how to follow. Work on shoring up some of your weak points and Kurenai will let you take a turn as leadman. Word of warning, she's very hot, but hates perverts. If you can think of her as an older sister and not a hot woman you'll catch a lot less flak."

"Man you don't ask anything easy, do you?"

I shrugged. "If it was easy we'd get Shikamaru to do it."

Kiba chuckled. "So what's your team going to be like?"

"Sakura is a Sasuke fan-girl who will see no need to improve her own skills since she figures Sasuke will save her. She'll annoy him by trying to flirt with him every second they're together, unless she's busy insulting me which she thinks will make him like her more."

Kiba winced.

"It gets worse. Sasuke will expect everyone to obey him since he's an Uchiha and has no real loyalty, since his only goal is to gain power so he can 'avenge' his clan."

"Damn."

"And last but not least Kakashi 'the copy nin' Hatake our Jonin. He is close to being a Sasuke fanboy, because one of his teammates was an Uchiha who died, in part thanks to Kakashi's 'mission before teammates' attitude, and gave him an eye as he lay dying making Kakashi the man he is today. Lazy, habitually late, and will favor the Uchiha since he feels he owes it to his dead teammate."

"With a team like that I'm not sure it's worth it," Kiba admitted.

"I know but it's about the only shot I got. Still, depending on how they are, I may just quit. There are other jobs I can do."

"Yeah, but to not be a nin..."

I nodded. "Would suck, but better a civvie than dead because of stupidity."

I waved to Iruka as he called my name having missed me during role since I wasn't dressed as normal.

There was a lot of whispering that probably only I and Kiba caught, since we had some damn good ears. Nothing important, just the usual putdowns and general confusion that I was there. Oh and one 'so cute' from Hinata before she started pushing her fingers together and blushing.

Kiba rolled his eyes and it occurred to me that he was being a lot friendlier than I thought he would be from the anime or manga. Probably because I wasn't nearly as loud or confrontational and had been pretty helpful as well.

OK, the food and the fact that it looked like I had an animal partner like he did probably helped a lot.

The Jonins quickly arrived and picked up their teams. Kiba sent a pleading look my way when Kurenai showed up. So I mouthed sister at him and he managed not to have a hormonal breakdown. Kurenai caught our byplay, being a Jonin even if a new one. She seemed amused and approving, so I guess Kiba's getting points for the effort.

Iruka and my new 'team' are the last people there, of course, when Iruka approaches me curious about the new look.

I decide not to beat around the bush, because Iruka sensei was always fair with me... err Naruto. "I meditated and found the spirit within," I say, causing his eyes to widen until I pointedly looked at Tora, which leaves him confused. "Remember that legend you told me about the guy who made a deal with the Shinigami?"

Iruka may be just a chunin, but he's no fool, he gets what I'm saying and why I'm being subtle about it. "Sure, I believe it's a parable for the dangers of drinking."

Sasuke and Sakura immediately lose interest. Speeches about the dangers of drugs and alcohol to developing nin have bored us to tears many times, though I'm probably the only person who dove head first out a third story window to avoid hearing one... err I mean Naruto did.

I blink and plaster a stupid look on my face. "Parable, right. Anyway there is a huge hole in the plot."

"Really, like what?" Iruka asks curiously.

"Well the deal with the Shinigami is to take both him and his enemy and seal them away to battle for all eternity, so the demon alcohol wouldn't be in the bottle, because it'd be in the Shinigami's stomach with the man who summoned the Shinigami," as I'm saying this I realize what I'm saying is true... kidna. The yondaime, the fox, and Naruto are not inside me and I don't know why I know this.

Iruka freezes and I can tell he doesn't know whether to be happy or sad. Happy because the demon is gone or sad because of the crap I've gone through for no reason.

I grin, letting him know I find the situation funny. "Of course since the man screwed with the design, the Shinigami would seal the power of the man and the demon into the bottle along with an animal."

Iruka is looking rather confused.

"So the bottle would hold the man's chakra, in addition to it's own, and the power of the demon rum locked in a cage inside the bottle along with an animal chosen randomly or more likely one the Shinigami favored." I pointedly stroke Tora.

Iruka nodded, dazed but hanging in there. "A house-pet perhaps?"

I nod. "Or a tiger, there is really little difference except house cats are smarter. Size not being important in this case."

Sakura interrupts. "Sensei, when is our new sensei going to get here?"

"Probably sometime after lunch," Iruka admitted knowing about Kakashi's habits.

"Way after lunch," I can't help but add. "It'd probably be quicker to track him down."

"Unfortunately orders say you have to wait for him here," Iruka pointed out.

I began to gather chakra and Tora jumps on my shoulder. Apparently he likes the idea of having multiple clones of himself.

Five of me appear in a puff of smoke with Toras on their shoulder. The cloned cats hop down and stream out the door. I just know they plan on teasing team Gai.

Iruka is shocked by the clones, but really since I clone everything I'm carrying it's not all that surprising that I can clone small animals by accident. Have I mentioned, I really need to work on my chakra control?

Two of my clones henge into cats and stumble a bit before heading out. They decide they might as well bug Kakashi while waiting. Another two head for my apartment so they can do some cleaning. I'll have to look into getting a place with a lot more room so I can rebuild my armor, but the apartment will do for now, with a bit of cleaning of course.

My final clone glances over at Iruka and grins. "Let's go bug the old man."

Iruka smiles and nods, seeing what I had in mind.

Being left with Sasuke and his fangirl doesn't sound pleasant, so I henge into a cat and join Tora on the desk. I figure he'll help me with the stillness exercise... or we'll nap. Either way it's better than dealing with my teammates.

Naturally, Tora finds the entire idea of teaching me stillness to be amusing and if I get the gist of his signs right (cat is hard to learn) the stillness is simply an advanced form of lazy. Clear the mind of all worries and melt into a boneless furry puddle, while remaining perfectly alert. I fall asleep attempting it.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Team Gai stared at the cloud of smoke that erupted from Lee's arms.

"It was a shadow clone?!" Tenten asks incredulously.

Gai glances at Neji, who gives him a shocked nod as the Byakugan can see through any genjutsu and would have recognized a lesser clone.

I snickered drawing their attention to me. Ooops! I'm clumsier than Tora and they're quick to take advantage of it as they chase me.

"He may be tired from making the clone, my youthful students, but don't hold back, he's no doubt got more tricks up his sleeve!"

Neji dives for me and actually tries using gentle fist techniques on me. Fortunately he forgot how flexible cats are and I easily twist around his attack and retaliate. Being a clone of Naruto means I have at least Jonin level chakra and with such low amounts of chakra in my system I can use it far better than the original.

Did you know that cats have the ability to see heat? The gentle fist technique is simply pushing chakra into the body at the tenketsu points. Anybody can push chakra like that, but seeing the points is the tricky part. I make a guess and slam a paw down on his exposed wrist, shoving a small amount of chakra into a hot spot.

Neji recoils in shock and horror scrambling backwards and holding his right wrist. "It knows gentle fist!"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Man this place is a mess," I mutter as I sweep under the sofa the other me is holding up.

"Yeah, tell me about it," the other clone mutters, looking at the muddy footprints on the ceiling and trying to remember how I...err Naruto managed to get them up there when he doesn't know tree walking yet.

"What do you think about the tech level?" I ask. It may seem kind of redundant to talk to your clones like they're other people, but then I am a clone and talking things out helps develop ideas.

"Mix and match for the most part. We'll have to make our own alloys, but transistors are used in small electronics, so we caught a break there."

I nod and put away the dust pan and broom while he gets a nap and a determined look in his eye.

"You're just going to get water all over yourself," I point out.

"It's either this or we try and handle the laundry."

"You can stand on my shoulders and use a sponge," I offer. I want another twenty clones before I even try and handle the laundry.

"What about the land of snow and their chakra armor?" he says balancing carefully and letting me decide where to move to.

"I say I like their airship as well. What say we steal both while we're there?"

"Good idea. The number of nin who can actually fly is so low we can relax while we travel that way," I grin.

"His chakra inhibitor would be useful on anything less than a six tailed whatever it is," he said.

"Point. Snow is a place we have to hit. Think a clone could reach that far?" I ask.

"Not sure. Depends on too many factors. How about we work on something close to home first?"

"OK, but those glide wings are the first thing we need to build." I sigh. I really miss flying.

"Workshop first, then we can do other things," he reminds me.

"Oh well, a couple of Damascus steel swords and we should be good for cash. If we knew anything about chakra weapons we'd get a real leg up on combining the two."

"We planned on claiming the yondaime left us the Rasengan knowledge as a gift right?" he asks with a grin.

"Yeah," I reply maneuvering him under the last set of foot prints.

"We can claim the Shinigami made them leave us knowledge and techniques as payment for the damage done to us. Just claim it's balance and we don't understand why."

I grinned and set him down. "So the fox left us metalworking secrets in payment, so we need to know local methods to use them. Yeah, that's brilliant!" I grin widely.

"One of us will have to pop himself to inform the others before they get to that point," he points out. "And the one who remains can clean the fridge."

I freeze, remembering the sight of the inside of the fridge and the horrors it contained, while the clone (sneaky bastard that he is) henges into Angel and launches himself out the window only to pop as he smacks the ground. The knowledge of what we'd planned and that he forgot to make the bones hollow fills me. I suddenly realize that I can henge into Angel and fly.

The first time I saw Warren I was stuck with envy. He could fly in a way few could. Not with some technology separating him from the elements or with some power doing much the same, but with wings like a bird. He could ride the winds and feel the thermals. Plus getting smacked with those wings hurt like a bitch.

I envied those wings and went over so many anatomical scans of the man I'm sure my assistant had some concerns about my sexuality. Well my green eyed phase would come in handy now. I know enough about his specialized anatomy to henge into it!

I rubbed my hands together and cackled evilly, before I remembered 'I' had to clean the fridge so flying would have to wait.

Fuck. Fuckity, fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

To bad I didn't study Beast or any of the others in that much detail, although I did study Nightcrawler's tail. Something to think about later, for now the fridge awaits and I swear it's leering at me.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto nodded at the Hokage. "You could get someone like Ino's dad to look into the cage and see that it's empty."

The old man nodded. "It's simpler just to check the seal. If the fox is still there, I'll be able to feel him."

"Really?" I ask, surprised that it's that simple.

"Really," he promises, as I pull up my shirt and channel chakra to the seal to make it visible. The old man didn't even have to touch it. He took one look at the seal and the years just lifted away. "It's gone," he said simply. "The symbol for the prisoner has changed to a cat."

I blinked as memories from a clone flooded in. "So how do I have the seal if I'm a clone and the real Naruto is in class still?"

"It's a symbol of an energy state more than a physical marker," The third hokage aka the professor explained, before realizing his explanation was probably too complicated for Naruto to understand. Truthfully there were few in the village who would have understood his explanation.

"Oh, so its more an indicator of an alteration of an energy construct than an actual tattoo," I reply.

If he hadn't just checked the seal and saw I was me, well a clone of me, I'm sure the two would be calling me an imposter.

"The Shinigami made both the fox and the blond leave me a gift to make up for their intrusion into my life. The blond left knowledge of a technique for a ball of chakra attack while the fox left me a large chunk of things man has forgotten, mostly metal working. By the way, can I get a forge to use and some chakra blades to examine?"

"Are you sure the information the Kyuubi left you is safe to use?" Sarutobi asked.

"I'd think the power they left you would be enough," Iruka muttered.

"The fox said that power was always as much a curse as a blessing, so it didn't count as a gift." I reply, figuring that was pretty close to Peter's motto to appear like something a wise old fox would say.

"That was surprisingly wise coming from something so destructive," the old man said and took a puff off his pipe.

I shrugged. "Kami-sama assigned him the job of being a thorn in mankind's paw so we'd have something to struggle against. A man may be required to plan an evil role without being himself evil, but the messengers of the Kami become what they play until the role is over."

The two seemed pretty stunned by the many revelations I was tossing at them. Sure I was making it up... I think. Some of this stuff sounds too accurate for me to come up with on the fly.

Whatever the two were going to say was interrupted as team Gai stormed into the room. Before they could say anything my original cat-clone popped itself flooding me with the memories of my and Tora's assault on team Gai.

"Sir, I must protest," Gai said loudly. "My students may be full of youthful fire, but they were not ready for a Class A mission mislabeled as a Class D."

"Weren't you chasing Tora the cat?" the hokage asked, appreciating the distraction as it allowed time for some disquieting ideas to settle.

"Indeed and the cat proved not only to know shadow clone, but gentle fist as well," Gai swore.

Neji held up a limp right hand for inspection. The hokage had thought he was beyond shock until he examined Neji's wrist and found that it showed all the signs of having been damaged by the gentle fist.

"We retreated when the original called up five shadow clones," Gai said seriously. "Outnumbered and against a nin trained opponent of unknown skill, I deemed retreat our best option."

A soft meow had team Gai taking defensive stances with their back to the wall as a group of Tora clones entered the room, with four of them popping after gaining everyone's attention and the last one resuming it's place on my shoulder.

Iruka looked over at me and everyone eyed my new feline look suspiciously. "Didn't you have Tora with you in the classroom?"

I nodded while looking at Tora, who communicated a variety of emotions, but mostly smugness.

"Naruto, did you teach an S-class jutsu to a cat?" the Hokage asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"Kinda," I admitted, causing eyes to widen all around the room. "It'd be more correct to say we used it in tandem at his request, since he felt Neji's use of Byakugan gave them an unfair advantage."

"And the gentle fist?" Neji asked pale.

"Well to be fair you used it first and it was one of the least damaging options available to Tora at the time," I smudged the truth a little, considering it was my clone henged into Tora that did it.

"Least damaging?" Tenten asked dreading the answer.

"Well the Neko-ken is still a work in progress and reattaching tendons is kinda messy for a game of tag," I suggest.

I tilted my head to the side as a clone popped who was watching Kakashi. "Looks like Kakashi is on his way to fail another team because he doesn't want to teach. Well at least I won't be stuck with two teammates who hate me and a teacher that is only interested in teaching one student."

"Surely my rival isn't that bad, he just needs someone to stroke his youthful fires," Gai said seriously.

I shook my head. "Kakashi has failed every team so far by requiring them to be a team willing to sacrifice a member to complete a mission, before he gets them." At their looks I explained the test, "So they have to be willing to sacrifice one of them for the other two to succeed and then he'll give a speech about your teammates being more important than the mission after failing them for not acting the opposite the minute before and requiring them to demonstrate the teamwork they are supposed to learn from him."

"And your teammates?" Sarutobi asked wanting more information before he decided what to do.

"Sakura despises me because I showed interest in her and she thinks insulting me will make Sasuke like her. Sasuke has no interest in anything but gaining power to get his revenge, and thinks teammates will hold him back."

"And you don't think you'll be able to change their minds?" the old man asked.

"Given years, sure, but in the mean time I'll have to suffer because of their problems and that's not even factoring in Kakashi, who has the whole guilt complex about his dead teammate so he'll favor Sasuke." I'd have liked to have mentioned how being Sasuke's best friend was a quick way to get a chidori in the chest, but I don't' know how I'd be able to cover knowing that.

"Can you try it for me?" Sarutobi asked and I found myself unable to say no. He treated me...Naruto like a grandson, Dammit!

"Only cause you're asking me," I said.

Well fuck, so much for escaping the cluster fuck that is Team Seven.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	2. Chapter 2

**Self Insert Naruto 2**

"Well?" Iruka asks, looking at me expectantly.

"Well what?" I reply.

"If you're going to make a go of it, you need to get going."

"I'm just a clone. The original is in the classroom waiting for them," I explain.

"Yes, but if you're going to take it seriously you need to know before Kakashi gets there," Iruka pointed out.

"Well damn, I forgot he wouldn't immediately know what I knew." I sigh and pop myself.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

I awoke to feel a swat on my nose and find Tora a bit annoyed that my clone popped himself and let his clone fall to the floor. I give him a headbutt in apology and lick his ear so he knows I'll remember not to do that in the future.

The popping of my final cat clone lets me know Kakashi is about to enter the classroom.

I quickly hop down and resume human form, picking up Tora and petting him while I stare at the door. Before my two teammates can say anything the door opens and Kakashi enters.

"My first impression of you is... not good," he announces. "Meet me on the roof."

**The roof: Two minutes later**

I let the meeting follow cannon until it's time for my introduction. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki and before I begin I'd like to say that you have wasted over half our day to no purpose. These meetings are really supposed to be so we can get to know something about you. After all you have files on us and we know each other. So I have to say my opinion of you has already taken a dive. We can't afford to waste time because as green genin we are targets and will need every moment of training we can get if we want to survive combat. You have endangered us by your inaction."

I don't let Kakashi get a chance to give one of his lame excuses. "I had a clone trailing you for the last three hours. At any rate the hokage asked me to take this seriously and there isn't much I wouldn't do for the old man, so no games. My name is listed as Naruto Uzumaki, the Naruto part is correct, the rest, is not." I stroke Tora and can't help but feel like I should be telling them about a bomb being planted somewhere and how my evil plan is progressing. It takes me a moment to shake the feeling off.

"My dream is to fly... well that's more of a goal really and I should have that completed in the next month. My hobbies are weapon and armor construction. I like my pal Tora," I paused as Tora meowed and waved a paw. "And my friend Kiba. I have few friends my own age, for reasons you should understand, even if it turns out they were wrong. You'll have to consult with the Hokage to learn more. I haven't been cleared to tell you any more."

Sakura explodes into some fangirl rant about how I should stop trying to act cool. She really doesn't adapt well to change. She quiets down when she notices everyone staring at her and none of us look amused or impressed.

"Training ground nine at seven AM tomorrow," Kakashi announces. "I wouldn't advise eating because you'll only throw it up. This is the final test to see whether you become genin or go back to the academy."

Sasuke and Sakura immediately start to protest, but Kakashi just vanishes in a swirl of leaves.

Tora reminds me that breakfast was a while ago by a combination of purring and headbutting me. "We had fish for breakfast, so I'll get you some beef or something," I promise him.

Before Haruna or Uchiha (I've decided to be formal with them so I don't fall into the trap of becoming friends with them) can either continue their rant or ask questions, Iruka arrives.

"Let me guess, lot's of questions?" I ask.

Iruka nods.

"Fine, but you and the old man are paying for dinner," I reply.

Iruka groaned. "No ramen and would it kill you to show a little respect for the hokage?"

I chuckled already knowing what Naruto would have explained if he'd had the words. "Fine, someplace that doesn't mind cats and serves beef. I call him old man, because I do respect him, and he knows it. Plus, it amuses him and breaks the monotony of being called Hokage-sama all the time which annoys him."

"Huh," Iruka thinks about that. "I could call him something else I guess, on informal occasions or in private I suppose."

"Probably a good idea," I agree. "Cause old man is something only I get to call him. Try Professor or Sensei. It should bring a smile to his face."

Iruka smiled. "Well let's get going then and remember to drop Tora at home after dinner. Because of you, chasing the Fire daimyo's wife's cat Tora, is now a C-class mission. Do I even want to know how you taught a cat ninjutsu?"

"Probably not," I agree cheerfully when Tora nips at my ear to ask me about the near future. "After dinner we'll drop you off at home. In the morning... well actually Tomorrow will probably bore you to tears so hang loose and I'll stop by to pick you up before training with Kiba," at his questioning head butt I nod. "Ok, five or six clones before I drop you off."

Tora gives off a satisfied purr and a series of subtle movements causing me to blink. "I never thought of that," I admitted.

"Thought of what?" Iruka asked curiously.

"If having multiple clones sleep would cut down on the amount of time you actually need to sleep in," I replied.

Iruka nodded. "That's a good question, but I think it's kind of moot, as only you have enough chakra to make the answer worth knowing. Most people would pass out making a single clone last that long."

I nodded. "Well Tora is going to test it out and I suppose I'll give it a shot as well, but enough about that, where can we get large slabs of meat and not some fancy place either?"

"I know of a place near the stockyards, it's a bit rough but unless you buy a cow you can't get cheaper or fresher," Iruka said.

I smiled happily. When it comes to food I'm a simple guy and I need more than ramen to avoid being a midget for this entire life.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

It'd taken a couple of hours and had completely destroyed the edge of a kunai, but the fridge was clean. I checked my chakra levels and found I was still sitting pretty, which mean I could, hopefully henge into Warren and go flying now.

I decided to make sure I got it right on the first try and moved in front of a mirror, carefully building it all up in my mind until the picture was complete and poof! I rechecked the bones and joints when I realized that I didn't need an exact copy and could conserve some energy by making it closer to me, in fact I could just alter my form to match his mutation. I'd gone over the details enough that I could do it pretty easily as long as I wasn't rushed.

My next henge came off perfectly I was now a tiger striped Naruto with wings! Grinning I made a mental note to see if I could do Nightcrawler's tail. He could wield a sword with that sucker like nobody's business!

I leapt out the window and snapped out my wings, shooting up twenty feet effortlessly. I always knew having wings would be kickass and I was right! I glided in circles, catching the updraft that the heat from the city created, climbing higher until I could see the entire city and the mountains beyond. Hell, I could see the desert from here.

I practiced diving and turning to see how close I could cut things and discovered that I could actually control section of my feathers to great effect. Sure I almost ripped a wing off and lost control a few times, but for the most part flying was instinctive.

A clone popped and I realized that I, well the clone-generating I, had some dinner for me.

I figured out where he was from the angle of the memory, well that and I had the old man sending up a spark for me to home in on.

Swooping down I just managed to snag a bag that my original flung up into the air on an intercept course. Good thing, because no way was I good enough to snatch something off the ground yet. Birds make it look easy but they have a lot more practice than I do. Hell, I'm pretty sure attempting to land in anything but water would be a bad idea right now and even with water it's kinda iffy if I'll pop or not.

I open the bag and find that I got me steak and a bottle of orange juice. I love me!

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

I grinned at the stunned pair. "I said my henge was solid and that I was figuring out how to fly, but you two didn't believe me. Man, I should have bet money."

"How?" the Hokage asked with a look of wonder in his eyes.

"I've always used a different version of henge, cause let's face it, my chakra control makes normal henge impossible. My henge actually changes what it's used on. Add that with the knowledge of the anatomy of a man whose bloodline gave him functional wings and you get one flying Naruto."

"The... gifted knowledge?" the hokage asked.

I nod. "He was very generous and since I'd suffered from other's ignorance he felt a fitting gift would be knowledge. Plus I think he liked the fact that his gift was far greater than what the blond man had to offer. Sure he wasn't evil anymore, but one upping a man who defeated you always feels good, especially when the guy you are one upping admits it and thanks you. The yondaime may have dealt me a shitty hand, but he certainly didn't do it on purpose and he was happy to see the furry one slip me some aces."

The civilians were so used to nin casting genjutsu and my pulling pranks that no one believed it had actually been a flying me. A couple of people even chuckled and grinned at me, glad of the free entertainment I was bringing to the place.

It had great food and they didn't care about the Fox. The portions were a good size and the seating was in tables overlooking the forest. Yeah I'd be eating dinner here a lot.

"Has it changed you any?" Iruka asked, just realizing a bit about how much knowledge I had now.

"Knowledge always changes people," I replied seriously. "Most people don't understand death until a close friend dies or that they will die someday until they hit middle age."

Neither the old man or Iruka looks happy at my answer.

I chuckle. "Yeah, I'm growing more mature by the second, but trust me when I say ignorance isn't bliss." Memories assaulted me. "My life before... let's just say that herd animals, when kept by themselves either go crazy or die. Man is a herd animal for the most part, especially as children. I'm more happy now than I was last week. I may not be as loud and cheerful as I was or have the same goals, but I'm far happier."

"How have your goals changed?" the hokage asks me.

I shrug. "Well, I no longer want your job. Too many headaches and hassles not to mention always second guessing yourself and having to make decisions that you know are wrong because it prevents a greater wrong. Me? I plan on helping my friends and making things. I may get married at some point and have kids, though I'm still young enough not to want them right now, and in the end I plan on dying and joining every person since the first human being took breath. I plan on being happy for most of my life and spending a great amount of time in the air. I will probably move to the clouds in the sky one day."

"Solid clone notwithstanding, I'm not sure you can actually do that. Flying is possible, but you have to sleep sometime and clouds aren't as solid as they look," Iruka said gently.

I grinned. I always thought S.H.I.E.L.D.'s helicarrier was a bit much, but older designs they'd bandied about like dirigibles were possible without even requiring my knowledge of advanced tech.

"Would you like to make a small wager on me doing it?" I asked, trying to look as innocent as possible.

Iruka suddenly looked wary and Sarutobi had a hard time not laughing.

"What?" I asked dumbly.

"You do a great innocent act, Naruto, but the halo is really pushing it," the old man explained before bursting out in laughter.

"What halo?" I asked.

The hokage made a simple hand sign and was suddenly holding a mirror up to my face and I'll be damned if I didn't have a halo. I stared at it shocked and it flickered and went out.

"Must have been connected to your emotional state," the Hokage guessed. "What were you thinking?"

"Well part of my brain was chuckling 'sucker', and I was trying to make myself look as innocent as possible," I admitted.

"You were trying to scam me!?" Iruka accused.

"You do believe it's impossible, right?" I asked, figuring I could still get him to bet using logic as long as I didn't look too knowledgeable or guilty.

"The halo's back," Iruka pointed out.

I gave up trying to look innocent.

"And now it's gone," Iruka said.

"Look, you don't believe it's possible, right?" I pointed out.

"True, but you have tricked me before," Iruka replied suspiciously.

I chuckled. "Any tricks of any sort and this bet will be considered null and void. The bet is simple. I have to build, with or without help, a safe and comfortable home in the air above the Leaf village. I'm talking cloud level above the village. I'll refer to it as a castle in the sky, but more than likely it'll resemble a ship or vessel. I expect to have it done within the next five years or forfeit. Does that sound fair?"

Iruka nodded slowly. "Suspiciously fair."

The Hokage gave Iruka the fish eye, making him blush. "Heh, sorry." Iruka apologized. "It's a bet."

"Excellent. If I win you have to move in with me up there for at least a month," I grinned, it'd be nice to spend time with one of the few people in the village I consider family.

Iruka blinked at the stakes and then grinned himself, seeing as he couldn't fulfill them unless I succeeded. "If you fail, you have to help me teach for a month." Iruka grinned, for much the same reason.

"Teach?" I said contemplatively, before I realized how big a difference I could make. I could help mold an entire generation of genin to be like me!

Iruka paled and the Hokage simply held up the mirror again, showing me this time with little horns, red clothes and hair, and evilly glowing red eyes.

"Needs a goatee and a pencil thin mustache," I complained.

The sudden appearance of the requested facial hair came as no surprise.

"Subconscious gen-justu?" I guessed.

"I'd guess so," the Hokage agreed.

"So, Iruka, would you like me to help on my days off?" I asked cheerfully.

"No," Iruka said flatly.

"I suppose I could just help the kids when you're not around," I said thoughtfully.

"On second thought, maybe you should help me, so I can keep an eye on what you teach them," Iruka said.

"Too late. I've decided I'm going to take on a cadet team and train them," I said with a grin.

"Cadet team?" Iruka wondered aloud. "The closest thing we have to a team is Konohamaru and his corps..." Iruka trailed off with a groan.

"Exactly!" I reply cheerfully. "The kid is a lot like me in some ways. He wants to become Hokage like I did and for much the same reasons, recognition and to protect those he cares for. Right now he's got Ebisu as a trainer, the council assigned him, and that's stunting his growth."

"How so?" Sarutobi asked, curious about how having a very talented trainer like Ebisu would stunt his grandson's growth.

"Ebisu is great for genin trying to make chunin, or even chunin trying to increase their skills, but for students who haven't even made genin he's a pain in the ass. The kids need someone who'll make things fun for them and let them run a bit wild. Precision and discipline come later, for now we need to encourage interests and creativity."

The old man nodded. "I can see your point."

I grinned. "Excellent!" I made a quick handful of clones. "One through five, find and train Konohamaru."

The single clone left standing there raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for orders.

I shrugged. "Go poke Hanabi with a stick."

"Poke Hanabi with a stick?" Iruka asked.

"Teaching her not to rely on her bloodline too much, plus Hinata would prefer her little sister to be happy and not just another drone, so I'm multi-tasking."

"so you like Hinata?" Sarutobi teased.

"She's a nice girl who's practically had her ego crushed because her father knows nothing about psychology and child rearing," I explained. "Being who she is she'll be forced to marry within the clan to preserve the bloodline. So even if I were inclined to want her as more than a friend, it'd be a bad idea unless I feel like killing the entire council of elders and possibly her father."

The two adults winced as I'd laid out everything bluntly, not only removing any possibility of teasing, but bringing up some very unpleasant facts.

"Knocking off the Hyuga clan elders isn't a bad idea, they are all dicks, but killing Hinata's father would be a pretty screwed up way to start a relationship."

"I agree," said a voice from behind me and judging from Iruka's pale expression I'm guessing I know who it is.

"Hiashi, why don't you join us?" I suggested.

"Someone should teach you manners, child," he said in his typical stick up the ass manner, with just a hint of killing intent lacing it.

"Why should I need manners when speaking to a man who shows none himself? Listening in on other's conversations is hardly polite," I point out. I can easily see the anger in his pupiless eyes at being talked back to by a commoner.

"I did not intentionally eavesdrop, child. I just happened to overhear while openly approaching," Hiashi growled. I wonder what it is about me that lets me anger people so easily.

"I can buy that," I admit, causing Hiashi to calm down a bit as he felt he had the upper hand again. "However, there is still the manner in which you and most of the village ignore the last request of the fourth Hokage. You ignore the death bed request of a man who sacrificed his own soul for this village. As far as I'm concerned you might as well be pissing on his grave, so I feel no need to be polite to many people in this village."

Hiashi snorted. "Him I would treat as a hero, you were conscripted you did not choose to sacrifice yourself for the village."

I chuckled, but there was little humor in it. "The fourth wasn't just giving a last request, he was also giving a command, because the seal is powered by my will, so if I didn't care to keep the Fox contained when it awoke it could easily get free. Fortunately it was knocked out by the technique used to seal it for over a decade."

"Preposterous!" Hiashi snorted again. "As if..." his voice trailed off as the Hokage met his eyes and nodded.

"The only reason I keep your clan alive is for Hinata and Hanabi's sake," I said. "There are only about half a dozen people in this village I care for or I would have let the Fox have the freedom he was demanding yesterday, but I have both good and bad news for you."

"W-what?" he actually stuttered, stunned by the enormity of what they were discussing now that the Hokage was weighing in on Naruto's side.

"The good news is that the Shinigami came this morning and claimed the Fox, meaning I no longer have to hold him back. The Fox is no longer a threat."

"That is indeed good news," Hiashi said, regaining control over himself, but not directly threatening Naruto again as he was waiting for the whole story.

"The bad news is that the greater danger I've been protecting your clan from has nothing to do with the Fox. If not for the Shinigami pointing it out I wouldn't even have realized it, being very naive before he talked with me."

"Yes?" Hiashi asked standing as still as a statue.

"Yeah, see the whole caged bird seal business is a huge weakness. Anyone who knows the handsigns can activate it, crippling or killing the branch house, which is the majority of your clan. You'd be reduced to you, Hinata, and Hanabi. I don't include the old farts because they'd probably die of heart attacks the moment they realized they had no more slaves and would have to wipe their own asses," I snorted.

Hiashi shook his head. "The signs needed to activate the seal are known only to a few and I don't see what this has to do with you protecting my clan."

"It's not that big a secret," I disagree shaking my head. "The main house may be the only ones trained in the use of the seal, but the branch family has seen it used a lot, so they know it as well. All it takes is one suicidal branch member and boom, most of the clan is gone and with the way they're treated you can't say it's not possible."

Hiashi had gone completely pale as I outlined the situation. Iruka and Sarutobi weren't much better as it would be a major blow to the Leaf.

"Of course that's only partly connected to how I've been protecting your clan. You see I've seen and taken down posters that have the seals and their effects written on them, because some of the branch members have lost it before. I had just been given a lecture by the old man here on security and why I shouldn't point out the holes in it-" I began.

"I don't recall that," the Hokage interrupted.

I shrugged. "It was about five years ago. The whole pink haired ANBU incident."

"You contaminated the water supply in ANBU headquarters so their hair turned pink, causing a dangerous lapse in security as they could be identified while off duty," the old man pointed out.

I shrugged. "And if an academy student could pull that off, what could an enemy nin do? You had me assigned to do some cleaning as punishment. Of course ANBU took the chance to insure I was properly punished by having me clean the worst places they could find."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad," Sarutobi said.

"I was forced to clean sewage pipes, back alleys, porno theaters, and the infectious waste bins at the hospital," I said blandly, recalling where I... err, Naruto gained his hatred of perverts.

From the ashen face of the Hokage I could tell he was more than a little upset. Iruka wasn't looking too happy either and even Hiashi had winced.

"Have I mentioned my sense of smell is just short of Kiba's?" I asked, sure that even Hiashi knew who he was, since he was one of Hinata's teammates.

"But don't sweat it. It's knowledge like that, that has made it so easy for me to out fox ANBU whenever I felt like it. I know all the places that people avoid and how to sneak through places where upsetting paranoid John's can get you shanked by angry whores."

The three just stare at me in shock so I dismiss the henge I was using and allow my bright orange jumpsuit to shine.

I wait the required two minutes or so for the cursing to stop and everyone to regain their eyesight. "I normally wear this unhenged and they still can't catch me, nor can anyone else unless I let them. If I don't trust you, you'll only see me when I want you to. But back to my story, there was an old and forgetful man with very white eyes who would be escorted by a much younger female with similar eyes to an area where the lanterns were the opposite of blue, well actually it'd be more correct to say 90 degrees and I'm not talking green either."

Hiashi groaned.

Naruto nodded. "A couple of henges while passing a certain spot, that has a permanent genjutsu to make people ignore it, and the old pervert and much younger woman would vanish into a love hotel for a couple of hours. He was so forgetful that he kept leaving behind notes that he had written down, like the handsigns and his reasons for forcing a young woman to bear his child, by threatening to use the seal on her younger sister or use the younger sister in her place."

Hiashi sighed. "I know, it was an in-house scandal and the baby was born deformed and died less than a day later, allowing me to outlaw the use of the seal on pregnant women. He took his own life in shame and she was allowed to move out."

Naruto nodded. "I know, although it wasn't so much allowed as forced, for fear of being around her would cause more children to be born deformed. A last revenge by the elders and the branch family buckled under and allowed it rather than standing by her."

Hiashi scowled. "Fine, she got a raw deal all the way around."

"Not to mention the elder who attempted to use the seal on her as she was leaving," Naruto reminded him.

Hiashi winced again. "Yes, I recall, but her seal had already been altered so it did him no good."

I nodded. "A genin could kill half your clan without getting inside your property. The Hokage could probably kill all of them from here and I could wipe them all out from halfway to Sand. The caged bird seal is a greater danger to your clan than even the Fox was and I've been protecting your clan from it for years. So, what am I to the Hyuga clan?"

"Are you trying to blackmail me?" Hiashi growled.

"Is he being deliberately obtuse or is he really that blind?" I ask the old man.

"He's avoiding acknowledging the debt by falling back into the familiar role of pretending you're a threat," the Hokage said flatly.

"A debt owed by one lacking honor is no debt at all," I remarked, a deadly insult that Hiashi had no choice but to take, having gambled I was naive enough not to realize what he was doing and lost.

If the Hokage wasn't here I have no doubt, he'd try to kill me, but having the Hokage on your side is like having a handful of aces, so he doesn't dare raise a finger against me. I resume eating and pretend he doesn't exist. Unless he wishes to lose a lot of face he's going to have to make some major concessions to me.

I'll let the Hokage handle negotiations, I hate politics.

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's A S.I.N. Chapter 3**

Turns out that having your clones sleep for you does help. Both Tora and myself only slept for two hours, thanks to a half dozen clones, before we felt fully rested.

Of course, Tora went right back to sleep, but he's a cat.

I send a dozen clones to search the training grounds for weapons and to memorize the area as I tried to decide what to do. Kakashi's test isn't a huge problem since I don't really care if I fail, but I promised the old man I'd give it a serious go, so I have some work to do.

Going over Nightcrawler's medical scans in my head I recall everything I can about his tail. Ok, the main reason I had scanned him and paid so much attention at the time wasn't because I thought it would be useful in battle, I just thought it'd be a bit of a surprise for whatever girl I happened to be dating at the time. (Like you never thought of it!)

Took several tries to get the tail right, but I soon had a dozen pink tailed Naruto's practicing with their new appendages. Yes it looked even kinkier in pink.

What I need to learn are explosive clones and multiplying weapons, since they're useful variants of standard shadow clones, but the old man isn't up yet so I don a henge and join the tailed group in trying to engrave a little muscle memory into its use.

**Several hours later...**

Apparently ninja police their training areas quite well as my clones found no weapons or traps nor bits of either. Despite what fanfics say, genin can't really afford to replace their gear every time they practice, and by the time they're chunin it's an engraved reflex. I'd like to say that it's a ninja habit of concealing all traces of their passage, but really it's a financial decision for them.

The dozen clones I sent out dispersed, giving me their knowledge of the training grounds and I sent another dozen clones to hide around the grounds for backup later.

***Thunk!***

I and all my clones found ourselves staring in shock at one clone who'd been experimenting managed to stick the spade of his tail into the wall like it was made of steel!

"How?" I demanded.

"I channeled chakra to it," he said with a grin. "I was thinking about how it looked like it should be sharp, so I channeled chakra like I do when we want to increase our strength."

Several clones popped themselves as they tried it and broke their tails trying to stab the wall.

"No, think of the tip as a kunai while doing it!" he exclaimed.

A round of thunks sounded as my clones insured I would never see my security deposit again.

I quickly made three dozen clones. The first dozen continued practicing wielding a kunai with our tail, the second dozen started work on using the spade as a kunai, and the third... are bringing me boards so I won't have stab holes in everything I own and some basic supplies so I can make some poisons.

It occurs to me that Kakashi was never one of my favorite characters and that Team Seven would have been a better team without him on it.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"But there's only two bells!" Sakura complained.

"Then I guess one of you is going to fail," Kakashi said cheerfully.

"Then I guess our instructor has betrayed us," I interjected before he could go into his planned spiel.

"What?" he asked confused.

"You are supposed to teach us teamwork, as our training up 'til this point has been pretty adversarial, fighting for the best grades, spots, and recognition, but this is clearly designed to turn us against one another. This is a no win test, if you pass you prove you're not worthy to be nin, and if you fail... well I imagine that's the point of all this."

"Shut up Naruto-baka!" Sakura barked out. "Just because you were dead last doesn't mean you get to drag us down with you, just accept the fact that you'll be going back to the academy again!" Sakura glanced at Sasuke out of the corner of her eye and smiled smugly when she saw him nod in agreement and ready himself for battle.

"Let's just see how things turn out, shall we?" Kakashi said cheerfully. "You have until noon when the alarm goes off, come at me with intent to kill or you'll fail, begin!"

"Shadow clone jutsu," I replied, not bothering to run like my teammates.

"You're different aren't you?" Kakashi asked just before the place became swamped in orange clad bodies.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Did you have to poison him?" the Hokage asked.

"Be glad I left him alive after his little team killer test," I replied. "He's not a teacher and doesn't want to be one, but I don't see where that gives him the right to screw up my life, so I had to injure him badly enough to require replacing with someone competent."

"Well in that you succeeded," the Hokage said with a sigh. "Kakashi is going to require months of therapy before he'll be cleared for duty again."

"Good, then we'll actually get a competent teacher."

The Hokage took a puff on his pipe and thought about things. "I do have someone who would do an excellent job, though they aren't a jonin."

"Give them a temporary promotion and see how they do. If you need to, assign a jonin to help them plan out what they are going to do," I suggested.

"Very well, I'll have Ebisu meet you, at training ground 32. Dismissed."

"Hai, Jiji-sama," I said cheerfully, much to his amusement before I left with my two teammates in tow.

Haruna and Uchiha both followed without comment until we were outside.

"How did you take out Kakashi!?" Sasuke demanded attempting to stare me down.

"Trickery and poison," I replied. "Two important tools for any nin."

"That tells me nothing," he replied, his arms crossed in annoyance.

"Why should I give up valuable techniques for no gain?" I replied.

"You should be grateful for the chance to help me," Sasuke replied. "I have pull with the civilian council."

"The civilian council is of no use to me and I have pull with the Hokage," I replied. "Of course, he's got a lot more pull with me or I would have deliberately flunked Kakashi's test so I'd be free of you both."

Having no answer for that, silence fell on the group as we walked to the training field.

Ebisu appeared in a swirl of leaves. "Team seven, I presume?"

"Yep, we requested a more competent teacher, that you?" I asked.

"Indeed," he agreed. "I understand Kakashi was seriously injured?"

"He wanted to read porn rather than train us," I said cheerfully. "So we won't have that problem with you, right?"

**A week later...**

Anko looked over and was surprised to see Kakashi enter the bar on crutches. "What happened to you?" she asked.

The rest of the jonin, who'd entered to discuss their teams over drinks watched him hobble to their table.

"I underestimated my team," Kakashi replied.

"Ebisu's team you mean," Asuma said amused.

"What?"

"Team seven was given to Ebisu at Naruto's request," Asuma replied. "He purposely took you out because he didn't think you were a competent teacher."

"He doesn't know anything about me!" Kakashi protested.

"I'm more interested in how he took you out," Anko said.

"I doubt you'll believe it," Kakashi said, signaling for a drink.

"He used his centerfold jutsu on you?" Asuma asked, recalling his father mentioning being caught by surprise by it before.

"No, he stabbed me with a poisoned kunai without using his hands or feet," Kakashi replied taking a huge gulp of his drink.

"Without?" Anko asked confused. "How close were you to him?"

"I was a good two feet or so away," Kakashi said shaking his head. "It's something I'd expect you to do, but you lack the equipment."

The assembled jonin exchanged glances.

"Are you saying..." Asuma's voice trailed off.

"Yes," Kakashi said seriously. "There were a number of clones around me and then kunai came out of their crotches and slashed me."

"And you don't think I could launch a kunai from my crotch?" Anko challenged.

"They weren't launched, they were wielded," Kakashi said before downing his drink. "Over three foot in length and prehensile. I was so shocked I froze up."

"You've got to be shitting me," Anko said, as the rest of the jonin stared at him in disbelief. "Gotta be genjutsu."

"I wish it was," Kakashi replied shivering. "I even uncovered my Sharingan, which unfortunately not only proved they were real, but it also seared it into memory."

"Hinata is stalking Naruto, right?" Asuma asked.

"Yeah, so?" Kurenai asked.

"The only student in their entire class that has chosen to follow Naruto around rather than Sasuke is also the only student that can see through clothes," he pointed out.

"We should get Ebisu," Anko suggested. "He's been training the brats for a week, let's see what he knows."

Anko sent out a message via snake summons, while everyone ordered another round.

Ebisu was surprisingly prompt or possibly not so surprising considering who had sent the note. "You wished to speak with me?" he asked, appearing in a swirl of leaves.

"We've got all the new sensei's here and were wondering what you could tell us of Team Seven," Anko said, gesturing to a free spot at the table.

"What info are you looking for?" Ebisu asked cautiously.

"Kakashi told us a very interesting story about how he was taken out and we were wondering if you could back up his claims," Kurenai asked politely.

"Naruto won't say," Ebisu admitted. "The most he's said about the incident is that only a foolish ninja would reveal a useful trick."

Anko nodded. "Kid's not a complete moron. How big is his... personal kunai?"

There was a chorus of groans from the jonin at the table at her crudity.

"How were you defeated?" Ebisu asked Kakashi, looking like he wasn't sure he wanted an answer.

"**It**, wielding a poisoned kunai, sprang out and stabbed me from a little over two feet away," Kakashi said slowly.

Ebisu's eyes widened, and he grabbed Anko's drink and downed it.

"You remember something?" she asked intently.

"That explains some movement and bulges I was curious about." he admitted. "I thought he had a trained snake as a holdout weapon."

"It's strong, fast, and prehensile," Kakashi said with a shudder.

"At least it doesn't have fangs," Anko said before bursting out laughing.

"Unless the kunai is just to hide that fact," Kakashi said before anyone could say anything, "The doctors didn't recognize the toxin."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

I was blissfully unaware of the rumors at the time because I was working on making tools, so I could make other tools, to make still more tools. The mix and match tech level of this place seemed almost designed to frustrate me. How can you have television and radio while missing power tools and welding gear?

Modern technology had definitely spoiled me I decided, as I broke the mold open that contained a single ball bearing and checked it for flaws, before grinding any excess material from the creation process off. Each bearing had to be hand cast and finished as the creation of high quality steel bearings was beyond the local tech level.

Since they didn't have bearings they also didn't have good high temperature lube... for machines anyway. It smells faintly of coconuts.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"He's buying sex lube by the gallon," Anko reported. "My favorite shop is out and said he basically bought em out and ordered an additional twenty gallons."

"As far as I know he's not seeing anyone, Hinata is still... observing him," Kurenai offered.

"He knows shadow clone and has his personal centerfold jutsu," Anko pointed out.

Everyone turned to Anko and she received a wide mix of looks; shock, contemplation, and disgust evident.

"I'm just saying."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto's eyes darted over to the infrared sensor he had 'installed' as it gave off a yawn and scratched at the table it was laying on.

"Kai!" Naruto's chakra burst actually ruffled the hair of the intruders as it shattered the genjutsu they'd been under.

The two dozen clones working around the shop cautiously edged towards various weapons, while the infrared sensor, otherwise known as Tora, took cover.

"Come for a rematch?" Naruto asked as he spotted Kakashi amongst the group.

"No, just came to verify how you defeated me," the one-eyed jonin replied.

"I'm pretty sure you got an eyeful," Naruto snorted.

"Gotta be a genjutsu," Anko retorted with a snort.

"His Sharingan would have seen through it," Naruto replied leaning against a support and crossing his arms.

"It's easier to believe you came up with a way to fool the Sharingan than that you have a three foot long prehensile penis!" Anko exclaimed.

Naruto grinned and had to stop himself from falling over laughing. "So you're all here because you want to look at my junk?"

"Well, when you put it that way..." Kakashi muttered.

Naruto shrugged. "Ok, fine. Anyone that doesn't mind showing me theirs can see mine."

"Deal!" Anko said while the other jounin were frowning at each other as they realized what they were doing.

"I'm out," Asuma said. "It's just idle curiosity on my part. I'll find out from Anko later."

There was a chorus of agreements as everyone but Anko shuffled out and one of the clones locked the door behind them.

"Ok, show your stuff," Naruto said half expecting her to bail out.

Anko was naked faster than he could blink and she even did a little pirouette to prove it causing his jaw to drop and his pants to shrink. "Fair's fair, strip!" she ordered.

Naruto nodded and stripped, thinking it would probably have been a bit less embarrassing if he wasn't sporting wood.

"You've got a tail!" Anko exclaimed.

"Yep."

"How the hell did you get a tail?" she demanded, knowing there was no mention of it in his medical record and having seen his naked rear over half a dozen times as he wasn't reluctant to moon someone who pissed him off and she'd been close enough to witness it multiple times.

With a mischievous grin he shot it towards her crotch and she leapt up and clung to the ceiling. "It's a modified henge."

Anko dropped back down. "So you actually came up with an illusion that fooled the Sharingan?"

"Nope," he poked her bellybutton with it and she grabbed it.

"How?!"

"Regular henge uses too little chakra," he replied smugly. "I developed a solid henge, though you have to know the internal schematics to add body parts."

She absently stroked his tail, her nipples hardening as she thought about surprising Kurenai with one of her own. "Teach me!" she begged, falling to her knees and cradling his tail in between her breasts.

"What will you offer in trade?"

Anko smirked.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"This would have been a lot easier if you'd have just let me trade sexual favors for training," Anko complained, as she flashed through the twelve seal sequence, determined to match Naruto in being able to cut out hand signs until it couldn't be told from a normal henge when cast.

"I may be horny, but I'm not stupid," Naruto snorted as he struggled to balance a kunai on the middle finger of his right hand by chakra alone. "Your talents in jutsu are probably better than your talents in bed anyway, certainly they're more valuable to me."

Anko stared at a complex design of the male reproductive system and compared it to the diagram of the tail, while her hands continued their exercise. "You'd be surprised."

"Probably," Naruto admitted as he concentrated on the kunai while standing on top of the water in a large basin, "but I doubt it'd improve my chances to survive battle nearly as much. So what are you going to tell the others about my little trick?"

She snorted making her naked breasts jiggle and forcing him to refocus his concentration before she spoke, "I'll just say it wasn't an illusion and clam up. If they want the particulars they can come pay for it themselves."

A dozen cloned Narutos who were dressed, unlike their creator; were hard at work, when they weren't sneaking glances at the naked kunoichi anyway.

The Hokage had given Naruto a decommissioned ANBU safe house, not too far from the forest of death, to work on turning some of the fox's knowledge into the leaf's profit. It was a small farm with a large barn attached to a six bedroom farmhouse that Naruto now lived at, giving him plenty of space.

The first thing he'd done was turn out several superior alloys to the basic folded steel recipe they were still working with locally, which insured both the Leaf's good will towards his work and a nice profit that funded anything else he'd care to do.

***Knock*Knock*Knock***

Without waiting for a response a slender kunoichi with her hair in a pair of buns entered the barn and forge and then froze at what she saw. "Um, should I come back later?"

"Depends," Anko snorted. "Are you a kunoichi or a little girl?"

"I'm a kunoichi!" she replied fiercely.

"Well, prove it!" the naked special-jonin demanded.

Blue Chinese banner dress and surprisingly frilly black lacy underwear was piled on a workbench along with a large stack of edged weapons.

"Are you Tenten?" Naruto asked drawing her attention to the naked genin.

"Yes," she replied forcing her eyes not to look below his waist and keeping her arms at her sides through force of will.

"Excellent! There is actually a reason we are naked, several in fact, but nearly everything here is a secret, so don't tell anyone. Do you know why you're here?"

"My father's a blacksmith and he said I could benefit from working with you. I'm also getting c-rank pay for helping you in testing new weapons and armor as well," she replied.

"Good, then we're both on the same page," Naruto replied. "Anko is trading jutsu with me, but those are personal."

"And the nudity?" Tenten asked.

"I thought I could get a secret off him in exchange for a quick slap and tickle," Anko replied. "Instead it's a straight trade of skills."

"And the nudity is to help me get used to it, so I won't fall prey to enemy kunoichi," Naruto explained.

"And me being naked?" Tenten asked.

"Same deal," Naruto replied. "Fill a tub with water, grab a kunai, and let's talk shop while working on chakra control and getting used to nudity."

"That would be much more convincing if I couldn't hang a brace of kunai off you," Tenten said, trying not to glance down... too often.

"Hence the need for training," Naruto replied. "And do you wanna make a bet that I can't cut glass with your nipples?"

Tenten groaned. "Fine, where are the tubs?"

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**

**TN: you fans have to wait for both him and his typists... (in this case me! *insert evil laughter*)**


	4. Chapter 4

**It's a S.I.N. 4**

"Doesn't that hurt after a while?" Tenten asked Naruto as the naked kunoichi balanced kunai over her hands by the point while standing on the surface of a tub of water.

"I am a Uzumaki," Naruto reminded them.

"And that makes you immune to blue balls?" Anko asked, henging into a naked Naruto clone with breasts and feminine curves who was still definitely male below the waist.

"Uzumaki bloodline means I heal quickly from damn near anything including blue balls," he assured them, standing in his own tub and having added a leaf to float over his erection.

"Useful bloodline," Anko said.

"Means I have a lot less down time," Naruto said cheerfully, causing Tenten to lose focus and fall in the water.

"Sword fight?" one of the clones asked another taking off his clothes.

"Swordfight," he agreed, stripping.

Both kunoichi looked a little disappointed when they realized the two clones were just going to spar using their tails to wield swords.

"Now you're doing it on purpose," Tenten realized.

Anko laughed. "Took you long enough."

"As we get used to it we have to up the difficulty," Naruto explained.

"I get it, Tenten said, "it's resistance training. I just thought we were working a bit slower."

"Back to the grind," Naruto said ignoring the clones working on tail use. "How do you avoid metal crystallization while cooling the blade?"

"Water impregnated with chakra," Tenten replied.

"That wasn't the answer I expected," Naruto admitted.

"What do you use?" Tenten asked.

"Sex lube," Naruto replied bluntly.

"Seriously?" Anko asked.

"It's the only high temp lubricant I could find," Naruto replied.

"And it works?" Tenten asked.

"Works fine," Naruto assured her. "The oil carries away the heat without cooling it too quickly or catching fire."

"That would make it a lot easier for people who can't use chakra to smith," Tenten said, thinking of Lee.

"It does," Naruto agreed. "And am I right in thinking that the jutsu used to impregnate water with chakra is a major part of smithing chakra blades?"

"A refinement of it is," Tenten said. "The reason that chakra blades cost so much is it requires a jonin who can channel the proper chakra nature to work with the smith for an entire week, sometimes longer."

"It has to be jonin?" a clone asked.

"Chakra nature isn't usually taught until chunin but the amount of chakra needed is beyond most of them," Tenten replied.

"So the reason we only see chakra blades in the standard natures is because the jonin involved are standard one element jonin themselves," Naruto said.

"How do you figure?" Tenten asked, while Anko perked up and looked at him intently.

"I mean, certain bloodlines have unique chakra natures like wood for instance," Naruto said. "Now chakra blades convert normal chakra into the type the blade is designed for, so theoretically, if a wood user were to create the blade, then anyone using it could use the blade to create wood natured chakra allowing them to use Mokuton jutsu."

"There are a couple more steps to help attune the blade to a specific nature, but that would probably work," Tenten agreed.

"We have to test this," Anko said. "Mist has been known for two things, bloodlines and swords, and this sounds like the reason. If we pull this off..." her voice trailed off with a grin.

"Chakra blades break easier than normal steel," Tenten said. "It's why they aren't nearly as expensive as they could be or as widely used."

"I know of a way to make steel that is a lot more resilient and holds an edge like you wouldn't believe," Naruto promised, waving a hand to a clone who brought out a katana.

Tenten accepted the blade and examined it closely for flaws. " A bit of an unusual design," she noted.

"I know straight edged swords aren't nearly as popular, but it was a test piece and I like the design," Naruto replied.

"It's got a good edge. Got anything for me to use it on?" Tenten asked.

"Wooden post in the corner," Naruto waved her over.

"How much do you know about wood release?" Anko asked.

"I practically grew up with ANBU," Naruto said bluntly but avoiding mentioning Tenzo. "I know... but it's also something our first Hokage was famous for, so if I talk about it, people assume it's him I am talking about."

Anko nodded. "Want me to bring him in?"

"First we see about making normal chakra blades then we see about modifying them, then we see about making legendary swords," Naruto said. "Walk, run, fly!"

Anko grinned.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You should start on water walking," Ebisu told Naruto leaving him to it. "You need to build up your reserves before you can start on water walking," he told Sakura. "Keep climbing trees for now."

"And how did the dobe get it so fast?" Sasuke demanded upset.

"Don't refer to your teammates so disrespectfully," Ebisu ordered. "I will not tell you directly how he got it so quickly, however I will confirm if you get the correct answer, consider it a test."

Sasuke calmed down and tried to figure out how Naruto had mastered tree walking before he did. He never even noticed how much easier it became to perform the exercise while he was thinking about something else.

Sakura pouted and rested for a moment before climbing the tree again. Naruto had been outperforming them both recently and it was hurting her pride even worse than Sasuke's. Naruto was someone she had depended on, to make her feel superior, and wanted, but Naruto had changed the instant they'd graduated. He no longer hit on her and he no longer made her feel superior or wanted, in fact, he pretty much did the opposite. He ignored her and outperformed her and Sasuke. Sure, several times he'd had to rely on Ebisu to show him something he should have known already, but once he'd learned something he put it to use effectively and those moments of ignorance were getting more and more rare.

"How did Sakura learn it before I did?" Sasuke asked.

"Kunoichi generally have less chakra and thus greater control," Ebisu explained.

"So, Naruto has less chakra then I do," Sasuke guessed.

"Not remotely," Ebisu said without hesitation.

"If he has more chakra it should take him longer," Sakura said, collapsing to the ground, feeling seriously rung out.

"Yes it should," Ebisu agreed, happy they were both using their brains and rather proud of how Sakura was pushing herself.

"That implies he's spent more time on the exercise which would only be possible if he already knew it," Sasuke said, moving to mark the tree and realizing he'd reached the top.

"Exactly," Ebisu agreed. "Naruto has been working on his chakra control for quite some time."

"So he cheated!" Sakura exclaimed, the righteous indignation in her voice actually startling a laugh out of Sasuke.

"If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying," Sasuke said, quoting something Naruto had said.

There was a splash and cursing from the water as Naruto fell into the water. One of his clones called out, "If you can dodge a rock, you can dodge a kunai!"

"You guys want to help me throw rocks at myself?" another clone asked.

"Yes, I believe I would," Sasuke said.

"No explosive tags," the clone warned. "We're saving that for next week once we improve some more."

"Help me stand," Sakura said, "and get some rocks, sharp ones!"

"That's the spirit!" the clone encouraged her.

"What distracted him enough to fall in the water," Ebisu asked the group of clones throwing rocks at Naruto, with him clumsily dodging but managing to stay on top of the water.

"Naked kunoichi jumped one of his clones, begging for his sword," the clone replied.

"What?!" Sakura sputtered.

"I've heard of the alloys he's developed," Ebisu said. "It's that good a sword?"

"She seems to think so," the clone said.

"Any objections to outfitting your team?" Ebisu asked.

"Still experimenting to find what works best," the clone said. "I'm willing to do armor and swords at cost when I've got some of the kinks worked out."

"Are you going to be making chakra blades?" Ebisu asked hopefully, as getting one of those at cost would be a fantastic bargain.

"That's what we are aiming for," the clone agreed. "We're hoping to make ones with less fragile blades."

"I'd hardly call them fragile, but I have heard good things about your body armor," Ebisu said, ignoring the two genin throwing rocks at the third.

"Stand Still!" Sakura yelled flinging a sharp edged rock at Naruto's crotch hard enough that it made a buzzing sound as it cut the air.

"I'm still playing catch up, the clone said handing more rocks to Sakura. "I have to make tools, to make tools, to make yet more tools, to make what I want."

"All the while working as a genin on a team as well," Ebisu noted.

"That's why I have clones," the clone said cheerfully.

"There's a kunoichi watching you from the trees," Ebisu said.

"She's shy," Naruto replied. "Her intentions are anything but hostile."

"Your star is on the rise," Ebisu noted.

"Yours would be too if you worked on becoming a jonin," the clone pointed out.

Sasuke threw his stones methodically trying to bracket his teammate, his concentration so intense, Naruto was surprised he didn't accidentally activate his Sharingan.

"My chakra level's plateaued," Ebisu explained. "I've heard rumors on how to increase it, but nothing I'd lay credence to."

"Ahh!" Naruto took a stone to the chest and fell underwater.

"Nice throw, Sasuke!" several of the clones cheered.

"If you don't mind mental scarring I can think of a couple of ways," the clone said.

Ebisu would have dismissed it out of hand, but he'd had to seriously re-evaluate his opinion of the boy every couple of days lately, so he carefully considered it. "Would it interfere in my ability to lead the team?"

"Only for a day or two, we'll have to schedule it during time off so you can recover," Naruto replied.

"I'm interested," Ebisu admitted.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"You do realize we're planning on making even better swords, right?" Naruto asked.

Tenten shuddered and caressed the blade.

"I'm turned on and slightly disturbed," Naruto told Anko.

"We'll work on that," Anko said cheerfully. "Can we do tentacles with this jutsu?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"How does mental scarring factor in?" Ebisu asked.

"It just does," the clone replied. "All great ninja are mad."

**Typing by: Stephenopolos**


End file.
